I heard some very wise words not too
long ago, passed on by a parent, though the words were actually from a clever
child. The words of wisdom were, “Sometimes, you can miss someone even if they
were mean to you.” We all have had experiences with people who were not nice to
us. If you have not yet had that experience, you are very, very lucky, but
believe me, your time will come. Now, sometimes, even when someone is bad to
us, it’s hard to end that relationship. But sometimes, we manage to do so
anyway, for our own good. Or sometimes, you may be separated from someone who
was bad to you by happenstance, which can feel like a relief. Or sometimes, the
leaving was the bad thing they did to you. But in all those cases, it is normal
to still feel a loss. Even through all the harm they caused you, maybe they
also showed great kindness at a time when you were in need, or maybe they are
really fun sometimes, or any other number of reasons that make social
interactions feel good.
In the case of Esau and Jacob, the
Torah shows only struggle. They are both mean to each other, and we see no
proof that one was ever kind to the other in a time of need or that they ever
had fun together. But it seems Esau still misses Jacob. After all Jacob did to
him, he still wants to see him again. Of course, all the commentaries say that
this is because Esau still wanted to kill Jacob, but the Torah just says Esau
is coming, and bringing his whole camp, to meet Jacob and his whole camp. We know
that Jacob is terrified and takes many precautions on the assumption that Esau
is indeed coming to kill him, but we don’t see Esau’s intentions or
preparations for the meeting. When they do meet, they embrace and cry, and it’s
a very joyful reunion. Briefly. Then they go on their separate ways again.
There is no intent to join camps, to spend extended periods of time together,
they just want to see each other and move on.
When it comes to missing people that
were mean to you, family is a unique case. With most cases, you continue
relationships with people who were mean to you, or miss them when they’re gone,
because they had some redeeming qualities that kept you attached. With family,
sometimes, just the fact that you are related is the redeeming quality. This is
a really hard thing to admit, even abstractly, but I think it’s true that
sometimes, family members who love each other, don’t always like each other.
Jacob and Esau clearly don’t really like each other. They fought with one
another their whole lives at home, and when they reunite as adults, they don’t
seem keen to spend a lot of time together. But they do seem to love each other.
Maybe it’s for the sake of their parents, or because they shared a womb, or
just because of some biological pride in their genes that keeps them bound
together, but they do. They missed each other. They embrace and cry. They make
things right between them, and then they part ways again. Because loving and
missing someone doesn’t necessarily mean that they belong back in your life.
This is probably one of life’s
harder lessons. Beside the fact that some people are mean and we don’t like
them, there are also people who will be really mean and we do like them, for
whatever reason: they’re nice sometimes, they’re funny, they take care of
physical or material needs. Or sometimes we will find that the people we love
just aren’t that likeable. And it may be healthy to separate yourselves from people
like that. But it can be difficult, on practical and emotional levels,
especially if it’s family, as with Jacob and Esau. May we find in ourselves the
humility and forgiveness that Jacob and Esau are able to muster up for each
other in this week’s parasha, but may also find the strength to know when it is
time to separate again. And may we always find peace. Amen and Shabbat Shalom.
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