Shabbat Shalom! In this week’s Torah
portion, Parashat Vayigash, we see Joseph finally revealing himself to his
brothers and the ensuing bittersweet reunion. After hearing a heartfelt speech
by Judah, Joseph sends away the guards in the room, bursts into tears and tells
his brothers who he really is and what has been going on with all the interrogations
and false accusations.
One of our ancient
rabbis of the Midrash, Rabbi Samuel bar Nahman comments on Joseph’s choice to
be alone with his brothers for this grand reveal, “Joseph put himself in grave
danger, because if his brothers had killed him [as they had planned to do once
before], no one would have known whom to blame. So why did he say, ‘Have
everyone withdraw from me?’ This is what Joseph thought: ‘Better that I be
killed than I humiliate my brothers in front of the Egyptians’.” A variety of
Jewish texts draw from this that sparing others humiliation is as important as
saving lives.
I felt a struggle
with this reading as I first read Rabbi Samuel’s comment, though. It seems clear
in the text that the Egyptians know that Joseph is a “Hebrew”. In the previous
parasha, there is a strange explanation of Joseph eating alone when he feeds
his brothers, because it was the custom of the time that Hebrews and Egyptians
could not share a meal. Joseph would not sit down with his brothers to eat
because then they would know he was not Egyptian, but he was not allowed to eat
with his guards because they did know he was not Egyptian. Given that the Israelite
clan at this point is relatively small, wouldn’t the Egyptian guards be able to
put two and two together and recognize that Joseph was related to these Hebrew
sojourners seeking food? By subjecting them to his tests and trickery, hasn’t
he already humiliated his brothers in front of the guards?
Generally
speaking, I feel great sympathy for Joseph’s actions. His brothers have been
truly terrible to him, even Judah who is sometimes crediting as “saving” Joseph
for suggesting they sell him into slavery instead of leaving him to starve to
death in that pit. I think it’s pretty reasonable that he is tormented by
conflicting emotions when he encounters them again, and that lashing out and
subjecting them to some embarrassing experiences is not the worst reaction he
could have had.
After thinking through my gut reaction to
the story in light of Rabbi Samuel bar Nahman’s commentary, I came to this
conclusion: we all go into our fight-or-flight-animal-instinct mode sometimes
and say or do things we might quickly regret. In that moment of facing our own
complex and highly charged emotions, do we double down and lash out harder, or
do we try to minimize the hurt we are causing and attempt some reconciliation?
Sometimes it may be too difficult to do the latter, especially if there is a
true concern for safety involved. But if the conflict is with someone we love,
someone we feel truly tied to, perhaps it is better to try to be like our
brother Joseph and take a step back. Try to minimize the humiliation we cause,
even if we are reacting from a place of our own hurt. May we all find reconciliation
and comfort this Shabbat and onward. Amen and Shabbat Shalom.
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