Parashat Vayechi - Burials

Shabbat Shalom! As a rabbi, it is not infrequent that I am asked about “proper” burial practices for Jewish families. Halakha has some specifics about what is and isn’t “allowed” for Jewish burial, but sometimes people tell their loved ones or leave in their will specifications for non-Halakhic means of taking care of their bodies when they’re gone. Sometimes these are Jews who don’t know Halakha, sometimes they are Jewishly educated but have decided that cremation or donation for science is better for other reasons, and sometimes the situation is brought to me when the deceased is not Jewish but the family member left in charge of the memorial arrangements is. In whatever way someone asks to be laid to rest, making the arrangements is difficult for the ones left behind, and all the more so if the person making arrangements has reason to believe that their loved one will not really rest in peace or be properly mourned if they are not buried in a Halakhic manner.

I always tell people in these situations that they must follow their instincts. Ultimately, mourning practices are for the mourner, not the deceased. I let them know that if they feel they really need a grave to mourn, then they can get one because I do not believe the soul of the deceased will haunt them for doing what they thought was best with the body. I also tell them, though, that if they choose not to comply with the wishes of their loved ones, their guilt may haunt them. Commenting on Jacob’s final speech in this week’s parasha in which Jacob reminds his sons how and where to bury him and why it’s important to him, Rashi reminds us that “A kindness done to the dead is a true kindness, for one does not expect a favor in return.” So I let these families choose what works best for them, and I let them know that whatever they decide, I will be present to say El Malei Rachamim and the Mourner’s Kaddish. Whether it’s in front of an urn or a casket; in their home, in the graveyard, or on a cliffside, we will eulogize their loved one. We can plan a shiva for a single night or a full week as they see fit, and I will guide them through their grief as best I can throughout the process, regardless of their choices. It really can all be fairly flexible.

In this week’s Torah portion of Parashat Vayechi, Jacob and Joseph both die. Their deaths are spread over a number of years, but as the Bible is known to do, it glosses over a lot in those intervening years and only a few verses separate the descriptions of each of their burials. Jacob, surprisingly, is embalmed, probably because the journey from Goshen to the Cave of Machpelah is long enough to warrant it, though embalming is fairly atypical for a Jewish burial. Aside from the traveling and the embalming, though, he’s given a proper burial in the tradition of his family. He’s buried alongside his wife and parents and grandparents in the Holy Land. Joseph, on the other hand, is also embalmed despite not traveling post-mortem, and is buried in an Egyptian coffin. That is, presumably, a sarcophagus, and presumably these details point to a proper Egyptian funeral for Joseph. This could be a sign of his assimilation, but I think it’s more likely what his Egyptian wife needed to feel soothed in her grief. She needed her familiar rituals, and her sons, though blessed as founders of two of the future Tribes of Israel, went along with that for the sake of Shalom Bayit and the mitzvah of comforting the bereaved.

Rituals are a holy thing, and I believe strongly in their power. In the power of tradition, of following rules laid for us by our ancestors. However, there can be many variations, blended rituals and bent rules created by different sets of ancestors. When it comes to something as final and difficult as death, it is of utmost importance that the choices made are well-thought through and designed with intention so as to offer comfort and grounding and strength. Navigating through different cultural options as modern day American Jews, many of us with diverse backgrounds and multiple identities of differing ethnic traditions, is more important to me as a Reform rabbi than insisting upon rote rule following and sticking to the halakha.

I know these topics are uncomfortable to talk about if the timing hasn’t forced us to, but it’s really good and healthy to think a little bit about these choices before it’s too late. To talk with our loved ones and be sure that families understand what rituals will be most soothing to the most people involved when the time comes. To ensure that wishes can be accommodated without putting those left behind into too complicated a situation as they manage the painful tasks of making memorial plans and final arrangements. May you find peace in coming to final decisions together, that your soul may be assured rest in the world to come, and may you have many, many more years before such decisions need to be put into action. Amen and Shabbat Shalom.